Not even close to done!

I really hope this pregnancy thing gets better, because so far I don't like it very much!  This includes all the stuff that makes it a downer that I previously mentioned, and now I can feel my uterus starting to come out.  And since my belly is already kind of chubby it's making me look like I'm further along than I already am.  I've had spotting in the last week that has freaked me out.  I went to my mom, and she said as long as it's not heavy or it doesn't hurt, it's alright.  She then went on to telling me that she had spotting in the first part of her pregnancy.

I have an appointment with a doctor/obgyn NEXT MONTH, which is super far away, and I'm already super paranoid asking my mom questions like 'What if it's already dead in there?  What if it stopped developing weeks ago?"  I just wish I could see an ultra sound, so I can see that little heartbeat.  I also want to get an appointment with a midwife, which is what I would rather go with, but they first have to see if I am a low risk pregnancy, if I'm not I have to go with a doctor.

Why I don't want to go with a doctor, is because of all the pregnancies I have gone to see in the past few years.  They always leave the woman drugged up, and if the labour doesn't hurry along, they go to make it go faster, and pump more drugs into her.  My brother's girlfriend was super drugged up, in pain(still), and ended up with a cesarean anyways.  I would like to go the natural birth, I want to remember it all, I want to experience it in its entirety, and I want that rush of hormones that hits you after the baby comes out.  I’ve read, and watched some things that said with all the drugs women are already on, it numbs them from those natural hormones, and bonding chemicals we release.

There isn’t much else to say.  So I guess I will leave it at that till I think of something else to write, maybe something that isn’t about being pregnant!

Shhh...no one knows yet.

About a week ago, I found out that I'm pregnant.  Which my boyfriend, and I already thought was going to be the result.  I have also written a few blog posts in the past week about it.


28.12.2011

We went to Burger King for the Whopper Wednesday deal, and across the street there's a place you can go get a test, so after we ate we went there.  It really hit me, when she came back into the room, I remember what she said, "So the pregnancy test came back positive. You're going to have a baby."
I didn't know if I was supposed to react or how to react, I just remember it feeling tight in my body.  After I left the little office, I went into the waiting room trying to seem normal, and tapped my boyfriend to go.  We went outside, and I said, "I'm pregnant."  He thought I was lying by the look on my face and when we started crossing the street, I felt it all coming out.   I started crying a bit, I didn't want to cry a lot, so I tried to keep most of it in.  If I was by myself, I would have went into the park beside the Klinic, and sat there for a while.  My boyfriend said “whatever you want to do we’ll do that.”  Then he held me, as I started crying, and kept saying, “please don’t cry.”
I don't know how I feel about this.  I really don't, but I have decided I'm going to keep it.

30.12.2011
Being pregnant has a ton of ups and downs.  For me, there seems to be more downs.  As a pregnant woman who is roughly 7 weeks, I am extremely moody, I have very, very sore breasts, and these random thoughts that make me really sad.
One of the ups is having a valid excuse for the reasons for these things.  Prepregnancy, there was about one week a month where I could blame everything on that week.  Then, after that if I was just irritable, then I was just irritable.
So far what it feels like for me, is PMS on steroids.  I HATE MORNING SICKNESS. Though, like everyone else says, there's no valid reason for calling it MORNING as it can happen anytime. I haven't officially threw up yet, but there has been a lot of puke burps, gagging, and just feeling sick.
The tiredness is overwhelming.  My boyfriend asked me the other day, "How can you be tired all the time? You slept all day, and haven't done anything."  I keep trying to explain to him, that my body is creating a life form inside of it, and I'm not going to be super bouncy while its sucking out all my energy to create itself .  When he doesn't get it, and I'm sick of trying to explain it to him, I just get moody on his ass.
Ahhh, moodiness.  It really annoys me, cause I always end up taking it out on my boyfriend. Which I don't like doing it just pans out that way.  Yesterday, we were goofing around, and he kept shoving his blister skin at me, and it ended up making me cry.  Which I think is better than me slapping his back for being so gross.
Speaking of crying, of man oh man.  First off I just have to say, I'm not that big on crying, at all, and especially in front of other people.   This pregnancy hormones stuff is sending my duct tears into over drive, and it really sucks.  The person who has seen me cry the most, is my boyfriend.  And we were out at BK the other day for whopper Wednesday(which I couldn't eat it sucked soooo bad), and I almost ALMOST burst out crying at the booth we were sitting in.  I feel myself tearing up out in public, and I just don't know what to do.  Yesterday, my mother got my boyfriend, and I a doughnut each, and I couldn't eat mine, and I felt so bad that I was crying.  That's just one example.
I am freezing!  After my boyfriend heads out to work, I'm left in my bed by myself, and I am freezing.  I turn my radiator on, and it just doesn't warm me up like he does.  I hate waking up cold, and after he leaves, and I go back to sleep, I wake up cold, it makes me want to cry.  I have to have the heaters on, I need to wear a sweater or something, otherwise I’m sitting freezing for a large part of the day, till I’m lying in bed with him.
Pregnancy is a total thumbs down so far.

That's what it looks like about now.

01.01.2012

So I'm going to be about 8 weeks pregnant in the next week. So far it has not been very good, in my current state I am cold, hungry, and extremely bored to the point where I want to just freak out so I'll have something to do. It is also the first day of the new year, and I'm writing on here instead of...what? I don't know, celebrating maybe. There's nothing for a broke pregnant girl to do in this city.



Another thing that is bugging me is him. We've always had problems, ranging from big to little. I know this, but I think it's my hormones that are getting the best of me, and he's just constantly pissing me off all the time. When I try to get sympathy from him(carrying his baby and all), he just doesn't give me any. I don't feel good about being pregnant with this person a lot of the time. I keep chalking it up to the hormones that have taken over my body. But seriously, he'll look at his phone, and ten minutes later he'll be putting on his jacket, and be like "Okay I'll be back in like an hour babe." I ask him where he's going, but all he'll say is his buddies. Now that really, really angers me. I come from a family, where if you're going out, you tell someone where you're going, and what you're planning on doing(I think it's a safety thing that's just in our genes). It's not like I'm going to freak out if you’re going to your friends, and you're going to watch the game. I am going to freak out if you don't tell me anything, like if you don't know what you're doing, just say that. Tell me what you're up to, because when a girl is pregnant, her hormones will make her thoughts insane too! I've spent much time wondering what the freak is up to, and who he is with, if he's cheating on me, is he back to doing drugs, did he even come off the drugs, probably not since he never tells me what he's up to. But enough about that, I don’t want to get into a big ramble.

So I can feel my uterus stretching out, not in a way that I can feel every shape, but I can feel it nonetheless. It just feels like cramps, and I told my mom that, and she said “yep, that’s what it feels like in labour too, but worse.” And also the back pains are terrible! I’m not even that far in with it, but my back hurts every day, and it is so annoying. Especially when I try to get my boyfriend to rub it, he doesn’t like to, so I get stuck with this pathetic hand brushing thing, and it angers me or makes me cry. I don’t like crying! I haven’t found myself becoming maternal yet or anything, but I do get these random ‘Oh my God there’s a thing growing inside of me’, and it creep’s me out, and then I get anxiety.

THE TIREDNESS!!! It's so overwhelming, I always thought it was the morning sickness(which isn't that bad for me thank god!) would be the worst part in the beginning, but I'm so freaking tired all the time.  I feel exhausted all day, and I sleep so much, it's just terrible, just terrible.

Anyways I'm exhausted, TOODLES!