Life After Baby

Today is Friday December 7th 2012.  I can't even remember how to write anymore.  Well, life after having a baby sounds good.

First though, it appears I left off in January.  Let me just say it did not get better it got worse!  I was sick until  around 5 months, then I had food aversions in the 6th month.  I barely ate any!  So much so that I fainted in Money Mart while trying to get our rent cheque.  I was finally okay around 7months, but then my tummy was getting huge, and different things came into play.  Like being sore all the time, swollen feet, this insane craving for ice.  All kinds of things.

Not my picture, my ice wasn't that good looking!

My daughter was born on August 25th 2012 at 8:39AM.  I was induced the evening before at 5:30pm.  I was already having mild painful contractions the whole day.  So I figure she would have came at anytime anyways.  Well she was born, and life changed completely!

Somethings I never knew as a first time mom is how lonely it is, but it is this weird self inducing loneliness.  I mean I want to hang out with other people, and have conversations, but I also just want to be left alone with my baby.

Monday, December 10th 01:18.  I couldn't finish off last time  my baby woke up, and I kept forgetting to.  It seems the only time I will be able to do this is in the middle of the night after she is fast asleep.

Once again here I am at 23:18.  It is so hard to get in some time where I can actually write anything.  I had a really good day with my baby.  She was so cute, easy to take care of today.  I'm feeling better today, then I have in a little while.

BF is sick.  He has been all week.  Throwing up, barely sleeping, getting mad at everything.  So he has been yelling more than usual.  Very stressful.  I feel bad for him, for the baby, and me.  But I don't even want to think about that.  Today was a good day.  Baby, and BF are both sleeping well.

BF is on the other couch in the white hoodie.

I went to a rally/protest today at the Manitoba Legislative building.  It was good.  I wish I could have stayed longer, but my baby was getting too crazy for BF, so he came to get me so I could calm her down.  I really hope that Bill C-42 does not go through!  I mean, they have been horrible to the native people of this land for hundreds of years, and the treaties are meant to be in place as long as the sun is shining and the rivers flow.  I mean even protecting the lakes and rivers.  I HATE STEPHEN HARPER!!!

It was great!

But anyways I don't really feel like getting into that right now.  I just want to talk, about what…I'm not really sure.  I feel like I don't even know how to write anymore.  I have to read more books.  I need a purpose in this life besides just being a mother.  as much as it can be fulfilling to some women it is not as much to me.  I need to do more with my life then just raise a child.  I need to make a difference in others, I need to.  I don't just want to - I NEED to.  I think about it everyday, what can I do to help the people today, and I think of so many things, but I'm a mother.  All my time goes to my daughter.  I know it won't be forever, but I just feel like I should be doing more.  I keep thinking about film I can make.  Films are so important to me.

I used to think I could be a writer, but I didn't have a passion for it.  I mainly did it because I was really good at it.  I always wanted to get into film making, and I thought I could get my books made into movies.  Then as I grew older I just knew that I wanted to make movies, I want to tell stories through that way.  It incorporates it all, visual, sound, imagination, story, idea's.  Everything I could ever need to get messages across to people.  I will get back into it.  I just need the motivation to do it.  

This is one reason I kind of can't wait for baby to get older.  So she can be more independent and I can get back some of myself.

Well time to try to get some rest.  I'm a full time mom….for the time being.

Kayla 

Not even close to done!

I really hope this pregnancy thing gets better, because so far I don't like it very much!  This includes all the stuff that makes it a downer that I previously mentioned, and now I can feel my uterus starting to come out.  And since my belly is already kind of chubby it's making me look like I'm further along than I already am.  I've had spotting in the last week that has freaked me out.  I went to my mom, and she said as long as it's not heavy or it doesn't hurt, it's alright.  She then went on to telling me that she had spotting in the first part of her pregnancy.

I have an appointment with a doctor/obgyn NEXT MONTH, which is super far away, and I'm already super paranoid asking my mom questions like 'What if it's already dead in there?  What if it stopped developing weeks ago?"  I just wish I could see an ultra sound, so I can see that little heartbeat.  I also want to get an appointment with a midwife, which is what I would rather go with, but they first have to see if I am a low risk pregnancy, if I'm not I have to go with a doctor.

Why I don't want to go with a doctor, is because of all the pregnancies I have gone to see in the past few years.  They always leave the woman drugged up, and if the labour doesn't hurry along, they go to make it go faster, and pump more drugs into her.  My brother's girlfriend was super drugged up, in pain(still), and ended up with a cesarean anyways.  I would like to go the natural birth, I want to remember it all, I want to experience it in its entirety, and I want that rush of hormones that hits you after the baby comes out.  I’ve read, and watched some things that said with all the drugs women are already on, it numbs them from those natural hormones, and bonding chemicals we release.

There isn’t much else to say.  So I guess I will leave it at that till I think of something else to write, maybe something that isn’t about being pregnant!

Shhh...no one knows yet.

About a week ago, I found out that I'm pregnant.  Which my boyfriend, and I already thought was going to be the result.  I have also written a few blog posts in the past week about it.


28.12.2011

We went to Burger King for the Whopper Wednesday deal, and across the street there's a place you can go get a test, so after we ate we went there.  It really hit me, when she came back into the room, I remember what she said, "So the pregnancy test came back positive. You're going to have a baby."
I didn't know if I was supposed to react or how to react, I just remember it feeling tight in my body.  After I left the little office, I went into the waiting room trying to seem normal, and tapped my boyfriend to go.  We went outside, and I said, "I'm pregnant."  He thought I was lying by the look on my face and when we started crossing the street, I felt it all coming out.   I started crying a bit, I didn't want to cry a lot, so I tried to keep most of it in.  If I was by myself, I would have went into the park beside the Klinic, and sat there for a while.  My boyfriend said “whatever you want to do we’ll do that.”  Then he held me, as I started crying, and kept saying, “please don’t cry.”
I don't know how I feel about this.  I really don't, but I have decided I'm going to keep it.

30.12.2011
Being pregnant has a ton of ups and downs.  For me, there seems to be more downs.  As a pregnant woman who is roughly 7 weeks, I am extremely moody, I have very, very sore breasts, and these random thoughts that make me really sad.
One of the ups is having a valid excuse for the reasons for these things.  Prepregnancy, there was about one week a month where I could blame everything on that week.  Then, after that if I was just irritable, then I was just irritable.
So far what it feels like for me, is PMS on steroids.  I HATE MORNING SICKNESS. Though, like everyone else says, there's no valid reason for calling it MORNING as it can happen anytime. I haven't officially threw up yet, but there has been a lot of puke burps, gagging, and just feeling sick.
The tiredness is overwhelming.  My boyfriend asked me the other day, "How can you be tired all the time? You slept all day, and haven't done anything."  I keep trying to explain to him, that my body is creating a life form inside of it, and I'm not going to be super bouncy while its sucking out all my energy to create itself .  When he doesn't get it, and I'm sick of trying to explain it to him, I just get moody on his ass.
Ahhh, moodiness.  It really annoys me, cause I always end up taking it out on my boyfriend. Which I don't like doing it just pans out that way.  Yesterday, we were goofing around, and he kept shoving his blister skin at me, and it ended up making me cry.  Which I think is better than me slapping his back for being so gross.
Speaking of crying, of man oh man.  First off I just have to say, I'm not that big on crying, at all, and especially in front of other people.   This pregnancy hormones stuff is sending my duct tears into over drive, and it really sucks.  The person who has seen me cry the most, is my boyfriend.  And we were out at BK the other day for whopper Wednesday(which I couldn't eat it sucked soooo bad), and I almost ALMOST burst out crying at the booth we were sitting in.  I feel myself tearing up out in public, and I just don't know what to do.  Yesterday, my mother got my boyfriend, and I a doughnut each, and I couldn't eat mine, and I felt so bad that I was crying.  That's just one example.
I am freezing!  After my boyfriend heads out to work, I'm left in my bed by myself, and I am freezing.  I turn my radiator on, and it just doesn't warm me up like he does.  I hate waking up cold, and after he leaves, and I go back to sleep, I wake up cold, it makes me want to cry.  I have to have the heaters on, I need to wear a sweater or something, otherwise I’m sitting freezing for a large part of the day, till I’m lying in bed with him.
Pregnancy is a total thumbs down so far.

That's what it looks like about now.

01.01.2012

So I'm going to be about 8 weeks pregnant in the next week. So far it has not been very good, in my current state I am cold, hungry, and extremely bored to the point where I want to just freak out so I'll have something to do. It is also the first day of the new year, and I'm writing on here instead of...what? I don't know, celebrating maybe. There's nothing for a broke pregnant girl to do in this city.



Another thing that is bugging me is him. We've always had problems, ranging from big to little. I know this, but I think it's my hormones that are getting the best of me, and he's just constantly pissing me off all the time. When I try to get sympathy from him(carrying his baby and all), he just doesn't give me any. I don't feel good about being pregnant with this person a lot of the time. I keep chalking it up to the hormones that have taken over my body. But seriously, he'll look at his phone, and ten minutes later he'll be putting on his jacket, and be like "Okay I'll be back in like an hour babe." I ask him where he's going, but all he'll say is his buddies. Now that really, really angers me. I come from a family, where if you're going out, you tell someone where you're going, and what you're planning on doing(I think it's a safety thing that's just in our genes). It's not like I'm going to freak out if you’re going to your friends, and you're going to watch the game. I am going to freak out if you don't tell me anything, like if you don't know what you're doing, just say that. Tell me what you're up to, because when a girl is pregnant, her hormones will make her thoughts insane too! I've spent much time wondering what the freak is up to, and who he is with, if he's cheating on me, is he back to doing drugs, did he even come off the drugs, probably not since he never tells me what he's up to. But enough about that, I don’t want to get into a big ramble.

So I can feel my uterus stretching out, not in a way that I can feel every shape, but I can feel it nonetheless. It just feels like cramps, and I told my mom that, and she said “yep, that’s what it feels like in labour too, but worse.” And also the back pains are terrible! I’m not even that far in with it, but my back hurts every day, and it is so annoying. Especially when I try to get my boyfriend to rub it, he doesn’t like to, so I get stuck with this pathetic hand brushing thing, and it angers me or makes me cry. I don’t like crying! I haven’t found myself becoming maternal yet or anything, but I do get these random ‘Oh my God there’s a thing growing inside of me’, and it creep’s me out, and then I get anxiety.

THE TIREDNESS!!! It's so overwhelming, I always thought it was the morning sickness(which isn't that bad for me thank god!) would be the worst part in the beginning, but I'm so freaking tired all the time.  I feel exhausted all day, and I sleep so much, it's just terrible, just terrible.

Anyways I'm exhausted, TOODLES!

WOW it's been months!

Well it has been a very long time since I have put anything on here.  My arguement, I haven't found anything to really write about.   But I will change that soon enough!  Even though this blog is mainly for me to read, kind of like an online journal.

So, some exciting things have happen to me in the past while:

1. I saw my first mountain in person this summer.
It was fantastic, I went on a road trip with my friend, her brother, and her nanny to British Colombia.  I really like the mountains, though I'm not sure if I could stay out there.

2.  We moved.
We now live in a different apartment for the first time in two months.  The apartment we moved from is a place for univesity students, we lived there for two years while my mother was going to school. The place we live in now is on the third floor of another apartment build that allows cats!!!

3. I got a cat.
Her name is Krazy, and she's so cute and silly, I'm constantly posting her photo's on Facebook, and some video's on Youtube. Not a ton because I can't seem to catch her acting really crazy!

4. I am now a waittress.
I work at a small cafe, while I try to get my fillm career up and running.  It's awesome, and until recently we had only been doing half table service, and we have now switched to full table service, and I really enjoy it!  In fact I have to work tonight :)

Well that's all I can think of to update for now. I'm looking forward to posting some more when any idea's hit me.

Ciao-ciao

Computer life?

I have been living behind a computer for the last few weeks.  I'm coming to understand, that I would never do well with a desk job, because I just can't do this for that long!  Like this is getting serious.  I am not concentrating, I keep thinking about things other than what I am supposed to be doing, I keep googling things that I don't even need to know.  Not that my work isn't getting done, it is, just with less enthusiasm.  Even a walk around the block doesn't seem to cure these office blues!
That's what is it.  It is office blues.  Plus it's really hot outside, and heat makes me a bit cranky in the first place.  Well, I dunno I guess I must push forth and keep going at it.
I also notice something weird.  Weird is how I typ.  On my right hand I only use three fingers, and my left hand I pretty much use all the fingers, and it controls the space bar and everything.  I don't know why this is.  When I try to include my other fingers on my right hand, I end up messing up typing, and my hand get's all confused.  It's a very weird process, of which I will be stopping to try, and type better, effecient, and not so fast right now.  I reall don't know what to write right now.
Anyways, back to work.


Kayla

A few of my top rated youtube comments

I am a Youtuber.  I love youtube, so much, that when I go home, I don’t go and sit on the couch to watch TV.  I go to my computer, and Youtube.  Being this kind of person, I have become fairly decent on getting some of the top comments that I will share with you.  Some of them are rather embarrassing, but I wrote it, and I must own up to it.  While most of my comments remain at the bottom of the barrel, washed away with the rest of the mundane comments that plauge Youtube, most of them generate at least 30 thumbs up or stay on top for a while.  It is rare that my comments get any thumbs up past 100, here are a few that I know have gotten up there, and some that are just plain silly!

Last one getting a lot of likes:

Aerosmith - I don't want to miss a thing

The comment: "OMG! A video that's not uploaded by VIVO! Thumbs up from me!"

Yes, the spelling error was there, but the message still went through.  Of course this also lead to people thinking I was an idiot, and ignorant for back talking about vevo.  It’s not so, I don’t mind vevo, I just knew that saying this would get a lot of thumbs up in that particular video.  Last count thumbs up was at, 63.

Before that one.

Bed Bug King

The comment: "Seriously, how does someone let it get that bad?! First bug I'd see, I'd start taking everything apart!"

I said this, because it was based off of feeling.  It seems to be that it would be common sense for one, to start checking after they found one bed bug.  But it seems that it is not!  The reason I am putting this one up, not mainly because of the likes, but because it was on top for a very long time!  At last check it was at 22 likes, on top for a few months!

This one is really kind of embarrassing what I said, but here it is.

Pae&Sarah

Comment: When I was watching the guy, I was watching his feet.

When I was watching the girl, I was watching her boobs.

D:

Yes, yes.  I talked about me watching a girl’s boobs, which is why I put the little emoticon on the bottom.  It was truthful, and it shocked me.  It was also truthful, and perverse to a lot of other people as well.  It stayed up for about 6 days, and it generated 159 likes in its time on top.

So this one will be making me admit one of my Hollywood crushes.

Jesse Eisenberg

Comment:  I have the biggest crush on him! He is so funny!

I hope his girlfriend knows, that she's so lucky!!!

It’s truthful, it’s sweet, and it’s even a little hurtful if he is on your list, because you know that this kind of guy will always be with the one he picks(unless he or she decides to break it off).  Topped out at 147 likes, and was up for a period of about 3 months.

This one actually gave me quite a backlash.

Eyeball tattoo

Comment : Am I the only one that thinks that looks kinda cool?

I don’t know why people felt the need to reply in a hateful manner.  But this one goes to show, if you are truthful in your comments, you can go against the grain.  The grain being that everyone hates it.  114 likes.

Those are all the ones that I still had in my inbox.  Generally, when you start getting your comment liked, and on top, people will try to reply to it.  That being said, people have hated me, if not for any other reason than the fact that my comment was on the top.

For the last one, I had about five people reply, saying that I was fucking dumb, and other shit like that.  So that's a reason that has pulled me away from youtubing comments.  Too much negative people on youtube.  It's actually quite fascinating.  I, myself have been sucked into a youtube argument a few times, but in the end I always let the other person take the last word.  It's too much energy wasted in the form of a petty online argument, and I try not to do that anymore!

SEE YOU ON YOUTUBE!!!

Water, water everywhere, and I shall drink it all!

Water. The ultimate thing in everyone's life. It's also something I have been denying my body for pretty much the whole of my life, until recently.
Let's say my diet, since I was young, hasn't been influenced greatly by healthy foods. I was brought up in a home that had less than others, and so buying more for less hunger was better for us than buying for health and eating less.
One thing my mom always told me, was how much I didn't eat when I was younger. I couldn't believe that, when I really started thinking about it. She also said, I'd try to finish what I had on my plate, but I never did. Now, it's coming back to me. My younger days filled with dreams, instead of thoughts of my next meal.
The reason why I am putting this out there is because I have recently had a major change in my diet, and if you can tell from the beginning of this, you must know it's drinking more water! I have started drinking more water, a lot more! A year ago, hell even six weeks ago, I was drinking maybe a cup a day, while now, I am drinking up to and past 8 cups a day. Now I average about one cup every hour or two. I love it!
Some things have become very noticable to me, and to others as well.
One of the first things is acne. I get acne or so I thought. After about a week of drinking plenty of water, I seemed to have flushed out all my acne. It's amazing! Even my cousin who I took to the movies last week sometime, asked me if I started using proactiv or something, and I told her I wasn't, I was drinking more water, and she said 'Yup, that'll do it!'.
Even around(sorry) that time of the month, I didn't get very much, a few little ones, but ones that I wasn't afraid to look at. It was like magic in my eyes.
Second thing I noticed was that I have to urinate more. I thought that I had a big strong bladder when I was younger, because I could hold it for much longer, but now I know it's because I had no fluids in my body to flush out! Stupid me. I'm actually starting to wonder if I was seriously dehydrated when I was younger. When walking around, I would sometimes get virtigo for no reason, but that hasn't happened to me in a while(not that I miss them or anything).
Third thing I noticed was my breath. I have always been aware of my breath, but what I wasn't aware of is how foods affect your breath. I knew that certain foods and drinks, like coffee, and onions can cause bad breathe, but I never knew that any food, can leave that icky taste in you mouth! I just ate an apple, like a half hour ago, and I can still taste it in my mouth, and it's not pleasant! Drinking my water is helping it go away, and I like having a clean feeling mouth now.
Fourth thing, which is probably the biggest thing, is that my appetite has greatly decreased! I've told people that lately I just don't feel like eating, and so don't. But I try to eat something every once in a while, because I know I have to feed my body something. It actually amazed me at the food portions I can no longer eat! I went to the Red River Exibition this weekend, and I had so much trouble eating a slice of pizza, a SLICE of pizza. I had to force myself to eat the other half of it, because well, it was $5, I didn't want to waste my money.  Holy cow was I full! One of the things I said earlier was that my family was not the biggest on healthy eating, so my main source of liquids for almost the whole of my life has been soda, and juice.  Now that I no longer under the will of my parents, and I have a stronger will, I know that drinking water is the best thing ever!  Having plenty of water in my system has changed my food intake greatly!
Last thing, water has helped me stay cool. Everytime summer comes peaking it's head around the corner, I get freaked out, because it gets hot outside! Not, just dry, but wet. It's hot, and humid, and leaves you(well, me) feeling gross after a walk. But so far this year, it hasn't been bad at all! I still get hot, and bothered, but I can stand it more. Which means I will be able to play out doors with my niece more often, and I love playing with my niece.
So all in all, drinking a lot of water is actually keeping me happy. It makes me feel great, and it's nice to drink, because it doesn't leave a sticky sweet taste in your mouth that turns acidic like a half hour after you drank it! I haven't noticed effects on my hair, I think because of the shampoo I use. Anyways, I have to go refill my cup. Take care, and drink more water!